pain. you tried to run away from it, you tried to detach yourself from everything to escape, you tried everything to avoid pain. at first i did exactly the same thing you did, i thought that shutting myself off from the rest of the world would be way better than dealing with my problems, but being alone and stuck with my thoughts for so long started a negative feedback loop of self hatred and regret. staying in my house all day guaranteed that i won't feel pain anymore but it also denied any chance of me getting better and getting on with my life. signing out of life so suddenly just left me with a bunch of regrets that i can't do anything about. staying in bed all day replaying all the memories in your head and thinking about what couldve happened if you did something differently is just so fucking painful. its like youre just fucking dead. after a while i had no more tears left to cry.
so yea. pain is your guide for life, and what makes it worth living. thanks for coming to my ted talk.