You Are Void.

Written May 18, 2022.

YOU ARE LONELY. YOU ARE TRAPPED. YOU'RE BACKED UP AGAINST THE WALL. YOU SIT BY YOURSELF AT LUNCH EVERY SINGLE DAY. YOU'VE BEEN ABSENT FOR A WEEK AND NOBODY NOTICED THAT YOU CAME BACK. YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS. YOUR FAMILY BARELY SPEAKS TO YOU EXCEPT TO REMIND YOU TO DO YOUR HOMEWORK AND EAT. YOU HAVE EVERYTHING YOU WANT, BUT YOU STILL FEEL LIKE SHIT. YOU ARE AN OUTLIER. YOU CAN LISTEN TO EITHER HARDCORE OR KPOP. YOU TRY TO HIDE YOUR EMOTIONS, BUT SOMETIMES IT HAS SLIPPED. YOU FEEL SO FREE THAT YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS, NO ONE TO JUDGE YOU, NO CHAINS TO HOW YOU ACT, THAT SOMETIMES YOU ACT LIKE A FUCKING NARC SOMETIMES, ONLY SOMETIMES. YOU FEEL LIKE YOU'RE JUST WATCHING A MOVIE FROM SOMEWHERE, LIKE YOU'RE ACTUALLY JUST FLOATING IN SOME VOID FLOATING ON A COUCH ATTACHED TO A LARGE FLAT SCREEN PLASMA TV WATCHING ALL OF THIS BULLSHIT GO DOWN. YOU SPENT A WHOLE PERIOD JUST READING BOOKS. YOU USE MUSIC AS AN OUTLET FOR HOW FRUSTRATED YOU ARE, THOUGH YOU DON'T JUST MAKE IT CLEAR YOU'RE FRUSTRATED SINCE THAT WOULD JUST BE EDGY EMO CRINGE. YOU DON'T KNOW WHO THE REAL YOU IS, YOU'RE TORN BETWEEN TWO SIDES OF YOURSELF: THE ONE AT SCHOOL THAT'S ALWAYS QUIET AND AWKWARD AND SHIT, AND THE ONE AT HOME THAT'S LOUD AS FUCK AND WAY TOO OUTGOING. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, IS ONE SIDE A DISGUISE OF THIS ONE OR THE OTHER ONE? YOU GET WEIRD PAINS IN YOUR HEAD FOR NO REASON, EITHER BECAUSE OF THE ZOLOFT OR IT'S SOME EARLY SIGN OF A BRAIN DISEASE YOU'LL GET IF YOU REACH OLD AGE. YOU FEEL SO DISCONNECTED FROM EVERYTHING HAPPENING AROUND YOU, LIKE YOU'RE JUST SOME UGLY DECORATION ON THE WALL SOMEONE'S TOO LAZY TO REMOVE, LIKE EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS TO YOU ISN'T REALLY HAPPENING TO YOU, IF THAT MAKES SENSE; BUT SOMEHOW YOU MANAGE. YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO USE SEMICOLONS. YOU'RE PERMANENTLY STUCK IN YOUR HEAD, SINCE NOTHING'S GOING ON IN YOUR LIFE. YOU FEEL DISCONNECTED FROM THE WORLD COMPLETELY, LIKE YOU AREN'T EVEN THERE, LIKE YOU'RE JUST A HALLUCINATION, LIKE YOU PULLED A LAIN. YOU AREN'T LIVING FOR THE FUTURE, YOU'RE LIVING IN THE PAST, SINCE IT'S THE ONLY THING YOU HAVE. YOU REGRET ALL OF YOUR MISTAKES DEARLY, AND HOPEFULLY YOU'LL DO BETTER IN A FUTURE, BUT YOU KNOW THAT THERE'S A CHANCE THAT THERE WILL BE NO FUTURE. YOU AREN'T REMEMBERED. YOU WON'T BE REMEMBERED. THEREFORE, YOU DON'T REALLY EXIST. YOU'RE STUCK BETWEEN EXISTING AND NOT EXISTING. YOU ARE AWARE OF THE FACT THAT YOU ONLY HAVE ONE LIFE, AND YET YOU ARE SPENDING IT LIKE THIS. YOU MISSED A LOT OF OPPORTUNITIES TO BE IN A BETTER STATE THAN CURRENTLY. YOU WISH THERE'S SOMEONE OUT THERE THAT ACTUALLY UNDERSTANDS YOU AND DOESN'T JUST BACKSTAB YOU. YOU FEEL SO FREE, NO ONE KNOWS YOU SO YOU CAN BE ANYTHING YOU WANT, JUST KIDDING YOU KINDA CAN'T, BUT YOU ARE UNSURE WHETHER OR NOT THIS FEELING IS TRULY BEING FREE OR JUST BEING SO INSIGNIFICANT THAT YOU ARE A MILLION TIMES SMALLER THAN AN ATOM, JUST FLOATING AROUND IN A VOID. YOU KNOW THAT IF YOU TRIED TO MEET SOMEONE ONLINE IT WOULD NEVER WORK. YOU ONLY TALK TO 2 PEOPLE, A THERAPIST AND A SOCIAL WORKER. YOU SAY "THAT'S LITERALLY ME" WHEN YOU READ A DEPRESSING BOOK LIKE NO LONGER HUMAN ABOUT A CLASS CLOWN THAT TALKS ABOUT HOW DEPRESSED HE FEELS BECAUSE HE KNOWS THAT HE'S JUST FEIGNING THE CLASS CLOWN BEHAVIOR. YOU RARELY FIND THEM, BUT YOU KNOW THAT THERE ARE WAY MORE PEOPLE LIKE YOU, BUT YOU WON'T EVER MEET THEM BECAUSE THEY'RE AS SHITTY AT TALKING AS YOU ARE. YOU MISS THE OLD DAYS WHERE MEDIA HASN'T TAUGHT YOU TO WRITE SHIT LIKE THIS, BUT YOU KNOW THAT YOU'RE WAY BETTER THAN YOU WERE BACK THEN, A COUPLE YEARS AGO, A COUPLE EARTH REVOLUTIONS AGO, A COUPLE MILLION LIGHT YEARS BACK OVER THERE IN. YOU ARE BORED TO DEATH. YOU ARE BREAKING DOWN TWICE IN CLASS AND NOBODY NOTICING. YOU ARE HOPING SOMEONE GIVES A SHIT ABOUT WHETHER YOU EXIST OR NOT. YOU ACCIDENTALLY WALKED INTO THE GIRLS BATHROOM LIKE A FUCKING IDIOT. YOU ARE FORGOTTEN, LEFT BEHIND. YOU ALREADY FEEL LIKE SHIT, EVEN THOUGH YOU HAVEN'T EVEN SCRATCHED THE SURFACE OF THIS ENIGMA CALLED LIVING. YOU ARE VOID.